The Medicine of Ambiguity: Why Not Knowing is Better

“Not knowing what?” You may ask. Exactly. 

How do we figure out anything? How does one come to know? 

How you answer reveals everything about how you live. If your answer is, “simple, just ask”, at first glance it may seem very innocent. I’d like to strong-arm you into looking closer. 

That answer is about as innocent as an axe murderer, hatchet in hand and covered in blood, saying he had an accident with a watermelon. 

“Simple, just ask” says in clear language, “I don’t trust myself.” 

Fair enough. You may have good reason not to trust yourself. However, how much thought and consideration did you give to the question and not knowing? More than a millisecond? A minute? A day? Did you wrestle? 

My criticism is to be found in the fact that so many people decide, either automatically or extremely quickly, that they’re not up to the task, incapable, lacking—without much thought. And that brief intro was tame, now it’s time for the teeth. 

I bring a mirror to the Desert of Helplessness, a place where many wear helplessness as a costume labeled ‘humility’. Most here are dehydrated and begging. The reason for the mirror is to show them they already have a canteen. Some claim theirs are empty, I scowl and answer, “you could have filled dozens with tears of pain.” 

Let’s get this straight—people don’t ask just because they’re curious, they ask to abdicate the throne of their own knowing. To shirk responsibility in the name of modesty. This is a coward’s approach dressed up as social acceptability. Don’t get me wrong—cowards are not bad. I am one. But isn’t it worth asking yourself, “don’t you want more?” 

People ask not to learn, but to forego the responsibility of thinking for themselves. 

The attitude of those who live from a place of quick surrender, with words like “just ask” are dependent upon the faulty functioning of others because they are terrified to face their own not knowing. Never progressing past the need for permission.

People full of insecurity search for the quick and easy answers because to sit with ambiguity and no certain authority feels unbearable to the underdeveloped Self. It is incredibly easy to hand your own Self over to another, under the guise of “being teachable”, when in reality it’s saying “I’m too afraid to be.” 

Here is a crux: if you cannot bear witness to yourself for more than a few seconds without having to defer to the opinion of another, get defensive, or melt like a witch in water with self-flagellation—what business do you have asking any questions in the first place?

Because if you receive an adequate answer, you’re not going to even be the kind of person to be able to use it for continued benefit without having to come back for the next one when there’s something else that you don’t understand. 

You are not unsure. You are scared. You are not stuck. You are afraid to stand on your own two feet. You are not confused. You are evasive. You don’t enjoy the discomfort of knowing responsibility lies squarely on your shoulders, so the consequences of actions are a direct result of you being your Self. 

And if this boils your blood, realize it is a direct result of my refusal to hold your insecurity. 

And for those of you wondering, “who is he to be able to say these things?” Allow me to answer. I am a person who’s been chronically afraid to be my Self, my entire life. I have repeatedly chosen to defer to others and to view myself as being incapable of standing in my own right. 

I have come a little ways on my journey and I know what it’s like to taste confidence and capability. I know what I prefer. That’s why I claim these things. 

So, why is not knowing better? Because not knowing is the beginning of the rest of your life—not someone else’s. 

If you’re still here then that means you’re ready. Ready for more. You can ask from a place of selfhood, not for escape. This is the realm of who the hell it is that you are–if you have the gall.